he comes home from taking his youngest daughter home and stands there with his arms out wanting me to hug him. i hesitate but do it - anything not to have another argument. my head aches thinking about having to do that again...and again.
we hug then he says i need you as much as you need me. thing is i don't need him. maybe he helps pay the bills, maybe there is some security there - yes i guess i do need him, but not for the reasons he thinks, or does he know thats exactly why?

he says lets not fight, lets just talk..can we talk without arguing - i say yes but know this is not true, of course its not true. He is not capable!

He then says tell me a joke do u know any jokes? why can't i enjoy life with him, why can't i giggle and tell a knock knock joke or something just as lame - the thought of laughing with him is so distant and foreign, did we ever? i have no idea - but I know now laughing with him is the most unnatural thing i can think of. i tell him i don't know any jokes - he gets slightly annoyed by this, tells me to lighten up. i cant - he is right i can not lighten up around him!

we sit down for dinner and i check my computer - look at facebook for about 30 seconds when he says this looks nice..i say mmm - i dont even have anything to say to him. he says oh right there you go back to that. you see when he is ready to talk, when he is ready to be social - i MUST be at his command. but im tired now, always tired... i just ignore this stranger.

we are civil with one another and then my gorgeous child, the only person who can make me laugh and smile and feel happy says here's the remote and hands it to me. i pick it up to chose a program to watch and he says 'hand the remote to me'. does he not even realise the tone he uses. he calls me a child every day and the way he speaks is so derogatory. right then my inner voice says FUCK YOU and i ask out loud why?

One simple word - why? I ask why do u want the remote as it was just handed to me.. seems fairly simple but this is not an ordinary person. YOU WILL NOT QUESTION ME, HOW DARE YOU!

Thats what I get for asking "why".

I laugh nervously and so my son laughs too - my life is getting damaged by this monster and I am allowing it. I hate myself more for that than anything else. But I am honest with my son, I tell him the reasons I put up with it. He says he understands ..I hate that.

My boy laughs a bit too - I think he is a bit suprised at the yelling but also found the response funny.. I mean who reacts to being asked why like that??

He spends the next 3 minutes standing over me yelling. I ignore it - why would I bother.

He picks up his laptop and storms off to the bedroom - its supposed to be our bedroom. My little bedroom and my beautiful bed that used to be my little hideaway my haven is now where he goes. I have lost so much.

He then messages me later to say "cause i pay the bills is why".

He then says "that was a completely offensive response to me wanting to have a look at something on the television that I bought via the Foxtel of which I pay half of."



So because he pays a small amount less than me a month towards the bills he believes he is the 'boss' of this house.

Yes he bought the TV - but the entire contents of the rest of the house belongs to me. He is abusive when my son comes to cuddle up with me in my bed - my old haven, but this is his TV so its his right to demand I hand him the remote.

I hate him - I married this stranger and it is my burden.

I blame noone but me - I hate me!

My life is a constant state of depression and fear. I am responsible for this.